If she is the moon, her son Cas is the stars. They light up the dark and bring so much love to those around them. Abbylee and her husband Vinny are expecting their second child later this year; we invited Abbylee and her son Cas back to the portrait studio so we could share their joy. Not the age gap they had intended for their children, Abbylee talks to us about her struggle with fertility second time round.

"It’s the strangest feeling to want something so bad, to be trying so hard to get it and have people tell you there is no reason why it’s not happening. We fell pregnant with Cassius very very quickly, so I didn’t even consider that we might have trouble falling pregnant with our second child.  I think it was about our 27th month when I really started to feel let down by my body, I was longing for this baby and realised that I was missing out on the beautiful child I had right in front of me.

When we ‘stopped trying’ I still felt incredible sadness when my period came, this experience really was a very long and testing rollercoaster.  Every month I thought ‘this is the month', 'my breasts are sore' or ‘I feel a bit of cramping, maybe it’s implanting’, countless pregnancy tests - all negative.

I saw healers, worked with a naturopath, went down the allopathic route, had tests and scan and I didn’t get an answer as to why we weren’t falling pregnant.  People told me “it will happen and it will all make sense”, this wasn’t reassuring but frustrating.  

We fell pregnant in January this year, so this experience is still very raw and I’m still unpacking what the lesson is.  Infertility or unexplained second child infertility isn’t spoken about much but for anyone going though this one thing I learnt by opening up about my experience is that we are not alone, there are many women going though it and that I think was one of the most powerful reminders.  

"Motherhood to me is a deep unraveling filled with vulnerability, courage, strength, softness, unconditional love, frustration, learning and guidance.  It is an opportunity to instil values which empower our children to care for, love and accept oneself, others and our planet; with the hopes that these are passed on to their children and generations to come.  It’s reflecting on how our parents guided us, taking out the parts that helped us grow and finding our own voice as a parent.  

Being a Mother is doing our best with what we have every single day because life is no longer about us, but about them and in this beautiful sacrifice is the deepest love you’ll ever know.

- Abbylee Bonny on fertility and motherhood.

Abbylee wears new season silhoette Hoffman handbag in cocoa with suede detailing.